


And then you're there

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-11
Updated: 2008-02-11
Packaged: 2018-01-24 06:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1595144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John reflects on his life with Rodney.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And then you're there

**Author's Note:**

> Written for McSheplets challenge #12 "forever".

By the time John got stationed in Antarctica, he had made peace with the fact that he'd never have that person that was _the one_ for him. Seeing Nancy again, now happily married, and realizing that he'd never truly loved her was only part of it. He could finally admit to himself that he was gay. But that didn't change the fact that he wasn't good at relationships. He didn't think there'd be someone who could live with him for an extended amount of time. Or maybe _he_ couldn't live with anyone. Not that it really mattered in the end. He was okay with it. He'd lived most of his life without a serious relationship. He could continue to do so for the rest of his life.

Of course not too long after that his life changed completely. He found out that there were things like stargates, that he had a special gene and went to another galaxy.

And he met one Dr. Rodney McKay.

~~

It hadn't been love at first sight. And it wasn't just that McKay had been arrogant, impatient, and insulting. As much as just the thought of Rodney's naked body could turn him on now, back then McKay had been so completely the opposite of all the guys that John had traded handjobs in closets with or blowjobs in bars that it never occurred to him that he could be attracted to McKay.

Instead they became friends. And that _had_ been unusual, because John had never really had close friends. At least none of the kind where he never had to fake that he wanted to nail some hot woman or another.

They made a good team. They spent a lot of time together. They came to care about each other. Formal as their relationship was in certain respects, it became the most important one in John's life.

John was quite content as Rodney's friend for a long time. In fact he didn't notice that things had changed until long after it had started happening.

~~

It was mostly his reaction to Rodney and other women that finally clued John in that his feelings for Rodney weren't quite what he thought.

He'd been mostly amused by watching him handle Allina. But even then there'd been a certain relief that nothing came of that. That relief had intensified when Rodney avoided Katie Brown after the incident with Cadman.

When they'd "competed" for Norina, John had gotten into the spirit of it in ways that he didn't dare examine closer.

And then Rodney had started dating Katie Brown again.

That was when John finally realized that his feelings for Rodney weren't just friendship. Being faced with a woman who wouldn't just disappear out of their lives after the mission was completed, made it clear to John _why_ he didn't want Rodney to be with anyone.

So the time had begun where he'd loved Rodney from afar.

~~

He'd wanted to talk about it. He simply didn't have experience with being in love like this. His relationships prior to joining the Air Force had been casual, both with the women and the men. And after that there'd only been Nancy and despite their marriage, some part of John had always known that it wasn't _it_ , that he wouldn't spent the rest of his life with her.

But now he was faced with the fact that there was someone who meant more to him than anyone before.

And as if that wasn't terrifying enough, there was the fact that he couldn't openly have a relationship with Rodney or even reveal that he wanted to. That and that Rodney was in a relationship and apparently straight.

John remembered that time as both exhilarating and frustrating. He could spend days just basking in Rodney's presence, and then there were times when the hopelessness of his feelings hit him hard.

He went to Teyla twice to talk with her, but both times he changed his mind in the last minute, suggesting they train instead. And his one attempt to breach the subject with Ronon didn't end more successfully. When Ronon reacted neutrally after John brought up gay relationships, he dropped the subject.

It could have gone on like that, and John had prepared himself for it, but then fate had intervened.

~~

Before that however Rodney had wanted to propose to Katie. John would never forget holding the little box with the ring, trying to make sense of it, all the while working hard on not giving away too much of his own feelings even though he realized he wasn't as supportive as he would have liked to be. But given the circumstances, he felt he did fine.

Rodney hadn't married Katie. In fact he hadn't even proposed, and while John had been relieved about that and the ensuing break up, the time after that had left him feeling strangely helpless.

Rodney had started dating casually after that, although maybe it wasn't so much dating as having sex. He took every opportunity off world and not, and John felt both jealous that all these women got to have him if even for just one night and also strangely special, because at the end of the day it was John who Rodney came home to.

And then, on one mission, when Rodney had once again disappeared for a moment, John had found him making out with Lamir, the very tall, very beautiful, very male son of one of the elders.

~~

John had been too shocked at first to feel anything. And by the time his brain had started shouting "He's not straight! He's not straight!", Rodney had approached him, Lamir completely forgotten.

The hope that was building up in John was countered by the panicked look on Rodney's face.

John didn't have to listen to a word Rodney said, as he was dragged out, to know that he was defensive at first, then righteous, until all that was left was fear that this would ruin their friendship.

"I know that your military has institutionalized homophobia, but I hope you don't subscribe to their narrow-minded views," Rodney had said and underneath his raised chin, he'd looked so vulnerable that John could do nothing but make himself even more vulnerable.

He had kissed Rodney.

~~

After Rodney had started kissing him back, they'd had sex right then and there in the garden of one of the elders, which had led to a minor diplomatic incident.

They'd both gotten the worst dressing down from Carter since she became their boss. John couldn't exactly fault her for not believing him and Rodney, when they were glowing and practically bouncing, even as they tried to convey how sorry they were for accidentally destroying a sacred flower bed.

The time after that was what John imagined teenagers would behave like if they didn't live with a father who was likely to disinherit them if he ever found out his son was gay.

They made out at every opportunity and tried to cover having sex in all sections of Atlantis.

Neither the threat of the Wraith nor any missions gone wrong could taint the sheer happiness that he'd felt for the first time in his life.

~~

Ironically it was the end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, after a new president was elected, that put the first damper on John's spirits. They'd hidden their relationship of course, but suddenly hiding became a choice instead of necessity, although he didn't really think either of them would want to split up the team in order to openly be together.

In the end he decided not to bring it up at all. But somehow their relationship still shifted from that giddy, almost innocent, if highly sexed phase, to something a bit more quiet.

That didn't mean that it was any less good or that it made John any less happy.

Instead of quick sex in a deserted lab, they now took an evening for themselves to explore each other for hours. And instead of seeking something new in a different location, they tried different positions and sometimes it was just the _tone_ of how they had sex that changed and made what they did exciting and new.

The intensity of being with Rodney was sometimes so great that he felt the almost physical need to let him know how much he loved him.

He didn't say it though. That came later.

~~

In the seventh year of the expedition, the living conditions on Atlantis were reviewed and someone somewhere felt it would be beneficial to have more than a mere minimum of comfort for the people who were repeatedly risking their lives to keep the Wraith at bay and away from Earth.

John finally got a bed that was not only long enough for him, but also wide enough to share with Rodney for a whole night. Quarters were reassigned and John and Rodney took adjoining ones.

Nobody questioned this and after a few weeks they didn't even bother closing the door that separated their rooms.

~~

John injured his knee in the final fight against the Wraith, but the truth was he'd noticed that training with Ronon or Teyla left him more tired than it used to. And running for his life also didn't quite come as easily as it should.

The gray in his hair had spread from his temples, and when they sent in another commander, a civilian again, he simply felt he was too old to get used to a new boss.

He thought about returning to Earth, but he didn't want to leave Rodney. Before he could even consider what options he had, Rodney told him that he felt it was time to go back to Earth. He said he'd like to keep a closer eye on Madison's progress at university and that he felt that after all this time and with the Pegasus galaxy for the most part united in their relief over the disappearance of the Wraith, life on Earth would be the more exciting option.

John agreed.

~~

Strangely enough it wasn't buying a house together or going to Madison's wedding together or being introduced as Rodney's _partner_ that finally made John realize it.

It was one day, when a relatively young woman asked for directions and they told her where to go and John smiled after her and he heard Rodney mutter "Kirk".

He turned to Rodney, ready to tell him that he had _not_ been flirting with her, that he had in fact not been flirting with women for longer than he could even _remember_ , when it occurred to him that Rodney had already known him back then. Back then, when he'd still done it because it was a way to get the satisfaction of being attractive to someone without the complications of being attracted yourself, not to mention affording the safety of public displays of heterosexual interest.

He'd done it because it was something that he _could_ do without a chance of getting himself entangled in the mess that he'd believed all his relationships would have to end up in inevitably.

Except they hadn't.

He'd been with Rodney for sixteen years and as he watched him pout, the left corner of his mouth lower than the right, he realized that what they had, what they had had for such a long time now, wouldn't go away. They wouldn't suddenly realize that this wasn't working or that it was too hard or that they couldn't give each other what they needed, because it _was_ working and it was _easy_ and they could give each other what they wanted and needed because they wanted and needed the _same_ things.

John cupped Rodney's face then and kissed his surprised mouth and said, "Only for you."

Rodney frowned, then rolled his eyes and clasped his hand with John's. "What do you want for lunch?"

"Whatever you want," John said, thinking about Spaghetti, but willing to let Rodney decide.

When Rodney took the turn towards their favorite Italian restaurant, John squeezed his hand and looked over, knowing he'd find Rodney smiling at him.


End file.
